I just turned 30. That is incredibly strange. I can’t remember where I was when I turned 20, but that’s not really a surprise since I have a terrible memory. I know it was during the year I took off from college and I was living in a tiny city teaching kindergarten.
In the last decade of my life I have, not in any kind of order and in no way comprehensively, found fat politics, bought an apartment, moved to nyc (where I always wanted to live), graduated from college, fallen in love, learned that non-profits with great politics can still treat their workers badly, found play parties, started identifying as femme, walked up my four flights of stairs an insane number of times and I still curse them every time, found a queer community, learned that I love the internet, started using lube, found great coffee, learned that I can be in a long term monogamous relationship but I don’t like to be, started watching the wire and firefly and west wing and realized tv can be so good, grown my hair sort of long again.
I’ve been really upset about this birthday for weeks. I’ve been worried about where I am in my life, feeling like I’m still lost, that I haven’t accomplished enough, that my apt is still a mess, I still pay my bills late, I still hate the mail, I’m still bad at keeping in touch, and then there are the newer bad qualities – the temper and meanness this last relationship suddenly brought out of me that I didn’t even know I had, for example. But I’m not that upset about all of that for the moment. I’m going to bed for 4 hours, I’ll wake up and frantically clean and cook, and then I’ll have a big birthday party with people that I love. And maybe I’ll make up a ceremony to cleanse and let go of the past and all that shame and anger.
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